How to have your Employees and Eat them too

By Amit Tandon

Everyday millions of words are wasted on this topic. Today, I also decided to contribute to this lost cause.

There are almost as many theories to this as the number of employees globally. The answers range from plain “Emotional Satisfaction” and “Clarity of vision” to more complicated things like “Money” and “Recognition”.

All these things have already been tried with equal amount of success and failure across sectors. In the last few years, employees have become more finicky and have even started coming up with outrageous demands like Respect, Recognition and Coffee makers.

Business Owners are shocked that just like them, the goal of employees is also to make money only. Other things like professional satisfaction, sense of fulfillment and additional responsibilities are no more considered motivating enough.

Here are some of my suggestions on employee engagement:

  1. Add small quantities of coke (cocaine) to the coffee vending machine. As people get addicted to the coffee, they will start turning up for work even over weekends!
  2. Announce huge retention bonuses and issue them bonus certificates (remember only certificates!). The certificate can say “You have earned yourself a million rupees this year for staying with company”. Keep on postponing their encashment dates. It will be 3-4 years before they discover that the money is never coming. Some companies avoid spending on certificates and instead and give out equity stake that is non-saleable.
  3. Employ couples. Even better, encourage people to find partners within the office. You can try organizing orgies under the name of “open house meetings”. Nobody can anyway make out the difference.
  4. Hire people in a metro town and then move them to a completely isolated place. This works well for all IT/ITES professionals. Which company would hire people who are currently working in Andaman & Nicobar Islands?
  5. Create a bad image for your employees. Plant decoys who pose as your company employees and apply to other companies. Let them misbehave and fail miserably in interviews. Let your competitors believe that your people are “no good”. Very soon, they will stop calling your employees for interviews.

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Amit Tandon

Amit Tandon is, Managing Director of Empyrean Partners, a leading recruitment firm; Partner at Mind Cafe, first Board Games cafe of India and has been in the Recruitment Business from the past 7 years. Amit has worked with Start-Ups as well as Global organizations across sectors varying from Telecom, Petrochemicals and IT Enabled Services for over 10 years in operations and business development roles. He was AVP – GSK WNS Research in India and was also the Engagement Manager for the Amit is also a well known Humorist & Professional Stand Up Comedian, with over 250 shows between India and Singapore. He is an avid blogger and his views have been quoted a number of times in ET and Singaporean HR Magazines.

 

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